When I Grow Up I Wanna….Ummm

What to do when I grow up – that is a question I still ask myself at 36 years old. It was and sometimes still is something I could never truly put my finger on, however, I believe I’m slowly getting closer to the answer.  My problem is that I am what you would call a Jack of All Trades, Master of None, I love everything but can’t quite master any of it. I call it my own personal ADD. For as long as I can remember I have been struggling to find that one thing I love to do  more than anything, and when I say “thing” I mean career/hobby, but unfortunately in my search, most of these “things” turn into whims.

Outside of my full-time job (the job I have to pay the bills but would much rather poke my eyes out) I am constantly trying to find my reason, my definition, what it is that I want to dedicate myself to and share, hoping that “thing” would turn out to be something that could support my family or at least something that would stick. I’ve tried everything, I painted, I wanted to go back to school, even got the application and sent away for information (I just didn’t know what I wanted to study), I took classes on dog training, I trained dogs, I worked in and wrote about dog rescue, I wrote a “book” about myself, I tried self-publishing stories about my kids, I blogged, I even took up running and working out (which to my utter surprise turns out I love) and most recently I’m apparently going to sell houses and the list just goes on.

ImageThis journey is like one of those books we had as kids where you would get to a certain point and be given a chance to choose your ending. How cool is that, except I would pick Ending B, get to the end and be discouraged by my choice so I would then go back and choose Ending A, finish the story and wish there was an Ending C. I was never satisfied. I was and still am always looking for that WoW factor, that holy-crap-this-is-what-I-want-to-do-for-the-rest-of-my-life factor. Every time I thought I found it I would be hit with the reality of all the work that had to go into doing something for the rest of your life, wonder if I really loved it that much and then be on to the next thing.

Not until I discovered my love of writing did I almost settle in, but as I said in my recent post “Time”, I didn’t put the work in and I gave up. I did learn though that writing for me is one of those “things” that as soon as I take the time to sit and let the words come out, the WOW never goes away. When I’m in my writing mind and I get a thought in my head, it becomes an addiction. My car begins to fill up with notebooks, napkins, pads of paper and receipts all scribbled with jibberish and although I know what it all means in the moment, I’m truly lucky to make it out when I sit down to decipher it. The process takes over and if I can’t put on paper what is in my head I feel as if I’m in a tailspin. It’s crazy but calming and for once I felt content.

I never thought I could find anything else I would enjoy as much as I did when I would take my chaotic thoughts and make them coherent. I never thought anything else could compare, that is, until I was introduced to the fine art of coaching volleyball. ADD…I told you. This one is different though and if I could write and coach full-time, that is what I would do for the rest of my life, absolutely no question. Even though my first year was a little bumpy and a somewhat intimidating, unlike the rest of my adventures I never wanted to quit once and the thought of The-Rest-Of-My-Life is not exhausting but exciting. Wouldn’t you know it, just like writing my love for the sport of volleyball never went away.

I finally found the WOW factor again and maybe I’m not totally done looking for what I want to do when I grow up, but I do hope I have the opportunity to coach for as long as I am able. My advice for all those out there with a little ADD and feel as if they will never find their WOW, keep looking, try everything – I recently read a quote from Jim Carrey that kinda stuck with me “you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love”. Don’t be afraid to try it all, and when you do find the WOW don’t ever give up on it.

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 **On a side note, stay tuned because I have a whole other set of opinions on the subject of kids’ sports, parents, why I love coaching and why I continue to do it… I thought politics was bad — Take teenage drama, parent drama, cost and competition, stir ‘em all together and the explosive fun that ensues is incredibly memorable and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

TIME

Time is a funny thing. It’s powerful, so powerful it’s almost impossible to explain, you can’t see it, feel it, smell it, taste it or hear it, but it is capable of so many profound things – it can heal, age, pass, reveal and stand still. It can affect you and your life like you never thought possible. To describe it, words are lost, but the power behind Time is immeasurable and the effects are countless. To choose what effect is most noteworthy I believe depends on the situation, and in this situation one effect of Time is maturity. Well, maybe maturity is not the perfect word as I associate “mature” with growing up, and that, I will never completely accomplish, but in so many other ways I have grown. I’ve grown a little wiser, a little older, a little more experienced and a lot more confident, and all of it took Time.

I remember my first blog post. I was so scared to push the publish button I think I read and edited over a five-day period for a two paragraph post. I couldn’t believe I’d actually consider putting my thoughts, feelings and words out there for everyone to read. I couldn’t believe I would actually think anyone would even care what I had to say. I couldn’t believe me, Lisa, would actually take a chance to do something that in my mind could make or break me. (I was pretty dramatic). As crazy as that may sound, at points in my life, there were times I was afraid to tell myself how I felt, let alone the world-wide web. I was the girl who was afraid to call the pizza delivery guy, or go back to the store for a refund if something didn’t fit, or make a decision that I didn’t get approved by seven different people. Yeah that was definitely me. Thankfully, I eventually did get over the fear at hand and pushed the button, however this only added to my already insane anxiety.

What now? What if people don’t like what I had to say, what if people were offended or didn’t agree with me, what if, what if, what if. That very question plagued my dreams. I was so afraid of not being validated that I would refresh my dashboard every few minutes and stare at the hour-glass waiting for a comment or a “like”. To my selfish, inexperienced surprise, that validation did not come like I believed it should, and I fell into a sense of inability and failure. Don’t get me wrong, people would comment and feedback was positive, but it seemed like it was never enough for me and after a while, and not much effort, I quit writing. Such a shame because I read some of my posts and they are not bad if I might say so, but more importantly, I gave up on a dream, even if it would only be that, a dream, I gave up. I was a coward and pretty selfish too, which now brings me to my point.

Time has passed, as it does, and just recently after reading a book by John Greene did I realize how much I missed writing, which realization brought me back here. Back to the place that I feared, but also the place I thought I was going to awe people and change their thoughts and touch their lives. I told you I was pretty dramatic (and a little dorky). And now, although I can still be the dramatic dork, Time has made me a matured one and more significantly a more confident one.

So here I am again. How I’ve missed seeing my words on paper or my chaotic thoughts strewn out in a way that they begin to make sense. I’ve forgotten how addictive and therapeutic it is all wrapped up in one. This time though, as much as I would love to awe people, I write for me, because when I write for me I don’t need that validation I believed I had to have, I don’t need hundreds of likes or comments, I just need my thoughts, my feelings and my words. If along the way someone connects with the words they read here that would be amazing, but if not, that’s okay too, because the lesson I learned in Time is that quitting is never the answer.

In conclusion, I’ve learned to appreciate what Time has given me and as happy as I am to be back, the best part is that Me is a little more logical, a little less selfish, a little more realistic, a little less dramatic and a lot more full of faith, which ironically is just like Time – untouchable yet profound.

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